Thursday, January 02, 2014

2014: Day 1

New Years Day, I woke up feeling bad, sad, mad and everything in between. I had a fast and furious dream in which a procession all of my anxieties were actualized in the worst ways possible. My mind raced through my subconscious and touched on all of the things that I try not to think about.

It wasn't a visual dream, just feelings. It's like I was presented with the worst possible versions of my worst fears, not to deal with them, but to experience how the AFFECT of processing the situations. Each one passed by so fast, there was no way to work through understanding or ascertaining how I would manage such a situation. I just had to take the blow and then look toward the next assault and brace myself for the worst.

I was being struck with the FEELINGS of processing these awful ideas. All of them at once. It was a marathon of shattered hopes, worst fears, broken promises, betrayal and love lost. It was a true night terror.

I woke up around 6:15 am and whimpered to Jason "I had a bad dream and I don't feel good." He snugged me tight and rubbed my back while I tried to go back to sleep but every time I drifted off, my awful marathon night terror picked back up. A series of devastating feelings and sadness. I laid there restless and upset for about an hour. Since the nightmare wasn't visual, it was really difficult to pinpoint what was happening in my brain and why I was feeling so bad.

 I got out of my nightmare bed-prison and took a shower. Trying to literally wash away the cobwebs in my head and bring myself back to reality. Night terrors are awful because they stay with you even after you wake up. They affect you in a way that is so hard to put a finger on, it makes it difficult to shake them.

I was convinced that lack of sun was my problem. It has been weeks since I'd seen the sun. It was beginning to do something weird to me. I take assloads of Vitamin D so it wasn't that (depression).

It was that I had lost my horizon. When I don't see the sun rise in the East and set in the West for weeks on end, it feels like up is down and right is left. How am I to know where we are in the day if I can't see where the sun is? It feels like a perpetual gray undetermined time of day. It's like sleeping in a room with no windows or lights. I open my eyes but there is no horizon to tell me what is up and what is down.

I told Jason that we needed to look on a map and find somewhere that had sun and drive to it. I was serious.

Then, it was like the Gods heard me, parted the clouds and gave me sunlight. We were eating lunch and low and behold the blue sky broke through and the sun peeked out of the clouds. We decided to hurry to the tennis courts and get a little sunshine.

The whole time we were getting ready to go and driving the 2 miles to the courts, I was crazy worried that the sun would go away before I could get out and feel it on my face. There was a huge bank of dark clouds moving its way across the sky so we knew the sunshine would be short lived. We rushed to the courts.

The sun stayed out for about 30-45 minutes. It felt so good. I couldn't stop staring directly into it. I was regaining my horizon. Eventually, the dark clouds pushed through the blue skies, but that was beautiful too.

We played and watched a family launch a model rocket. Jason and I both made model rockets and (attempted) launching them when we were kids. We held our breath, knowing that these things can be tricky. The rocket only launches half the time and then, if you're lucky, the parachute deploys half of those times. It was a good day for the little family. Four attempts, 3 launches and 1 parachute deploy. I hollered and clapped for them. I remember how it felt.

We headed home and worked on the front flower bed. There are tons of tiny bulb buds starting to poke through so we cleared away the dead stuff, adjusted the gnomes and added some fresh soil. It's going to be a magnificent Spring with flower fireworks galore. Something to look forward to.

We had a lovely evening. Jason whipped up a wonderful dinner - grilled steelhead, roasted garnet yams with onions and leeks, roasted broccoli, and sauteed portabello mushrooms with onions on the grill.

We finished off the day with a magnificent sunset to the West. I could actually see where the sun was landing at the end of the day and it gave me great comfort. Like all was right in the world again.

I feel like I was able to regain my horizon, shake the night terror, get some air and exercise, beautify my surroundings and have a lovely dinner with my best friend in the whole world.

It started out rough, but yesterday ended up being a pretty good first day of 2014.

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