Saturday, December 28, 2013


Four days ago I had never heard of Wilms tumor but now my family is beginning to speak Wilms fluently.

In the last post, I mentioned that it was discovered on Christmas Day that my 4 year old nephew has a tumor on his kidney. The doctors called for immediate surgery to remove the tumor and kidney.

Things didn't go as well as hoped.

The (cancerous) Wilms tumor had ruptured and spread beyond his kidney.

The doctors deemed it inoperable and closed him back up.

He started chemo yesterday and will be in the hospital for awhile. Poor little guy.

It's crazy how cancer brings with it a whole new language and set of rules.

You start to speak about stages (I, II, III, IV), ports, chemo "mixes", favorable histology, CT scans, and on and on.

Then, the moment you think you have a plan set in place, the game changes and the plan no longer applies. It's an exhausting game of adjustments and you have no option but to participate in order to save your loved one. Being far away is difficult because by the time we get the information, things have changed. Feels like we're reading yesterday's newspaper.

I can't begin to fathom what my brother and his wife are going through. It's hard enough to say "my nephew has cancer" - I can't imagine saying "my son has cancer".

As a childless person, things like this cause me great inner struggle. It seems like it would be the worst thing in the world to tell my child that he has cancer. And, if we aren't able to have kids, I would never have to worry about that. But at the same time, my heart breaks to think that I may never know what it feels like to be called Mommy. Maybe that makes it all worth it. Maybe I'll never know.

Either way, it's heart breaking.

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