Ran my first 10k on Sunday. 1:12 - not too bad. Not sure if I'll do it again or try to go farther. It was pretty lonely on the course - to tell the truth.
Many years ago, when I first started running, I was in college and needed space.
Space from roommates, school, academic stress and overall anxiety.
I was never really happy when I was running. But I was running to save my life.
I was running away from the things that haunted me.
I was running to punish myself for the things about me that I couldn't stand.
Now when I run, it's to stay healthy. To allow myself to go into my head and really get intimate with the things that haunt me. Instead of running from these things, now I look them right in the eye and invite them in for tea.
Running has transformed into a sort of prostration for me. A way to wear myself down until I'm completely exhausted and no longer able to run from or ignore the things that haunt me. (In "The Other Side of Eden", Nancy Steinbeck (wife of John Steinbeck IV) said she had to do 200,000 prostrations in order to become a Tibetan Buddhist - took her over three years.)
I also don't feel like I need as much "space" as I did before. I like being at home. I love being with my husband. I feel like running takes me away from that, and I don't think it's necessary. During the entire race, I kept thinking about how much I'd rather be spending that hour and 12 minutes with my husband.
And all of the hours of training leading up to the race were fine - prostrations are good when I'm not using them to "run away". Yoga and meditation after running makes the perfect combination for physical and mental health.
So, my big epiphany? I love this guy and want to spend every hour and 12 minutes of my life for the rest of my life with him.
The best part of the race was the end - because Jason was there waiting for me with the biggest smile and hug I could ever ask for. It's like we were the only two people in the world.
And that's something I don't want to run away from.