Monday, September 23, 2013

Fall

 The Autumnal Equinox was this weekend - meaning the dark days are here. We had a pretty bad wind storm that brought in Fall and blasted our garden. It's like mother nature sounded the gong and the light was gone. 


The blackberry bushes grew too tall and couldn't support themselves so they fell over and flattened everything. The garden was getting bare and not doing much anymore anyway. Time to pull it up, I guess. What a mess.

I feel a lot like those flattened blackberry bushes. Growing stronger and going about my business - trying to find happiness in small places, but then strong winds and rain come through and flatten me.  What a mess.

Maybe it's just the weather. Maybe it's three plus years of trying to start a family with no success. Maybe it's that I only have one real friend in the world and he's my husband. Maybe I wish I could talk about these things with someone who cares. Maybe I just wish it felt like someone other than Jason cares. I feel like I put everything on him and one day it will be more than he can handle and he'll become the flattened blackberry bush and then I'll have no one. Maybe I wish my family was more like other families and acknowledged that we are at least joined by blood and will forever be part of each others' lives - even if we don't like each other. Maybe I wish I had a support system. Maybe I'm glad that we haven't been able to have a baby because I don't know how we would do it all alone. Maybe I just want a baby and don't care about how we'd make it work. Maybe we're destined to only have furbabies. Maybe my job is smothering me and things need to change. Maybe a new job would be worse. Maybe I just need to feel in control of one little thing in my life. Maybe I just want to throw away my phone and shut down my email so that I can trick myself into believing that no one calls or emails because they can't, not because they don't want to. Maybe I'm just feeling bad today and it'll be sunny tomorrow and everything will be better.

Or maybe it's just Fall and that's what we do - fall.

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