Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Big Four Ohhhhhhhh

Happy Birthday, sweetheart! I'm so glad we are together today (and everyday).

I made this funny gif of Derrrrr playing with his pot. I thought it would make you smile :-)

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Love you and happy big 4-0!

BTW - I hear that you have to be more careful about sitting on your balls at your age...hahaha!
(Sorry babe, I had to give you a little shit on your big day! loveee youuuuu)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

In Loving Memory

We love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by that we don't think about you and how you touched our lives in so many ways.

Thank you for the incredibly big, beautiful irises that we'll be seeing around this time each year. They are amazing. Like you.

We made this stepping stone so we have another small reminder of you every time we pass by. We used crushed up blue porcelain and terracotta pieces from old pots and some marbles.

We thought you would've liked it.

Missing you and love always,

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Heart Bleeds for You

Experiment with India Ink #1

"My Heart Bleeds for You"
India Ink and Acrylic on Canvas

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Leave it to me as I find a way to be...

We watched "Into the Wild" several years ago and thought it was a good movie.

We watched it again earlier this year and this time it was amazing. I thought I knew a lot about life before but I was oblivious of so many things.

This song "Guaranteed" by Eddie Vedder (who did the whole soundtrack) has really resonated with me. I'm not sure why. I'm not even sure what it means or what it means to me. But it makes my soul stir and I want to share it with you.

These are my favorite lyrics from the song:

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
consider me a satelite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

On bended knee is no way to be free
lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
that all my destinations will accept the one that's me
so I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering
but I'm never what they thought
got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees
they're singing with the dead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
consider me a satelite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

Monday, May 23, 2011

Love Birds

This time last year, you and I were in separate states for seven days.

Separate states - geographically, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Seven of the most heart-wrenching days I've experienced in my life.

While you were away, I would wrap myself with your big warm flannel shirts and pretend it was you giving me a big hug. Not the same though.

I spent the days staring out the window at the rain. It rained the whole time we were apart.

Seven days of wondering and waiting to hear from you.

I spent the nights trying to reach you by telepathy and then crying myself to sleep. Wrapped in your flannel and hugging a pillow I put on your side of the bed.

Then I got your call. Come here. It's time.

Turns out those seven days apart were only the prelude to the next seven together.

At least we were together for the hardest part.

Walking together in the pain like two lost love birds whose nest was just destroyed by the hand of nature.

Confused. Lost. Together. Alone.

(Male and female duck walking down our street together in the rain.)

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Okay, so Jason and I got invited to go with some friends to the clothing-optional beach on Sauvie Island today. It's suppose to be the nicest day of the year -- 75 and sunny (maybe even 80 if we are lucky)! 

We're always up for an adventure, so off we go.

Or maybe I should say, off the clothes go.

I have to admit, it's been a long winter and although we have both lost a ton of weight over the last year, I'm a bit hesitant to bare it all. I mean, really, there are just some parts of the body that are WAY TOO SENSITIVE for direct sun exposure. (Men, I'm mainly looking at your "bag of tricks" when I make this statement.)

I went to some topless beaches in Europe and I decided "When in Rome..."

It really was not a big deal. It actually looked more ridiculous to have a bathing suit on. And then when you see an 80 year-old woman with tits that look like fried eggs sliding down the wall, your self-esteem goes through the roof and inhibitions are tossed in the pile with your bathing suit.

Besides, deep down, who doesn't want to run around bare-assed in the sun!

Count me in!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Technical Difficulties

I've been dealing with a very hard to diagnosis internet connectivity issue for over a week.

Helpdesks galore.

I have almost hurled all computer-related bullshit out the window more than once. And I may or may not have had several fist-clenching, teeth-gnashing, screaming fits at the computer over the last 48 hours.

Seems like all is well now.

I fucking hate computers.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Continuing Education - MBSR Silent Retreat #2

As mentioned, May is turning out to be a challenging month for us. Jason and I have both recognized an increase in our anxious, sad, angry, frustrated feelings this month.

We were talking about how we wished there was another level to the MBSR course we took earlier this year. We've been doing yoga on our own daily and at the studio on Sundays. This has helped immensely with keeping these brewing feelings at bay, but as for dealing with it in the overall sense, it's still really hard to stay calm inside. Alas, there is not another "level" to the MBSR course, so we resigned to the fact that there is always room to learn more on our own and work on our meditative and yoga practices in our own way.

However, the very next day, we get an email from the MBSR director inviting us, as MBSR alumni, to join the current class's silent retreat. We were thrilled and accepted the invitation immediately.

I'm pretty sure that this silent retreat is going to be much more emotionally charged than the one we attended in February. In fact, the next day after accepting the invitation, Jason and I both admitted that we kind of thought it might be too hard right now and maybe we should decline. However, noticing and recognizing this fear made us realize that we probably need to do this now more than ever. I have so much in my head that I need to sort out, shelve, or let go of.

So Sunday we will be participating in our second 6 hour silent retreat (I'm gonna bring a hankie because I know there will be tears this time).

On a side note: if you're interested in yoga for stress reduction and meditation, I really recommend Hatha yoga. It's the type that we do (there are MANY types of yoga out there). Here is a diagram of the poses and the Sanskrit terms for each.

Hatha represents opposing energies: hot and cold (fire and water, following similar concept as yin-yang), male and female, positive and negative. Hatha yoga attempts to balance mind and body via physical postures or "asanas", purification practices, controlled breathing, and the calming of the mind through relaxation and meditation. Asanas teach poise, balance and strength and are practiced to improve the body's physical health and clear the mind in preparation for meditation.

Some people find this type of yoga too slow, but I like it. I like building my mind and body as one. Also, Hatha allows and encourages us to let go of the what if's,  the should've/could've, the supposed to be's, the right, the wrong, and the perfect. It encourages us to live in the moment and ride the thing that IS. Quoting Leonard Cohen (again), it encourages us to "Forget your perfect offering."

I have to constantly remind myself that this life will keep on going whether I take the right step or the wrong step. I can't dwell on decisions and choices of the past because they don't exist anymore and I can't worry about the future because it has yet to exist.

All we have is now and all we can hope for is tomorrow.

Monday, May 09, 2011

No, Mr. Eliot, April is not the cruelest month

T.S. Eliot's 1922 poem "The Waste Land" begins as such:

"APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."

On the contrary, in my world, May has become the cruelest month. So many days that used to be happy and hopeful in one single month are now marked with painful memories; tugging at the heart and leaving tear-stained pillows at night.

The dreams still come, but the nightmares follow accordingly. Or vice-versa. It's hard to have one without the other anymore.

It has almost been a year now and everyday brings with it a haunting recollection of the same day, exactly one year ago.

 "This is the same day last year that I first ..."

"This day last year was the last time that I..."

So much pain and helplessness in those days. So many days in this month that bring tears and sadness. So many months in a year -- can't we just do away with May?

With tear-streaked cheeks and heavy heart, god, how I wish you were here.

 I still keep hoping that I'll wake up and it will all have just been a bad dream.

(Excerpt from "The Waste Land")


"AFTER the torchlight red on sweaty faces
After the frosty silence in the gardens
After the agony in stony places
The shouting and the crying
Prison and place and reverberation
Of thunder of spring over distant mountains
He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience

Here is no water but only rock
Rock and no water and the sandy road
The road winding above among the mountains
Which are mountains of rock without water
If there were water we should stop and drink
Amongst the rock one cannot stop or think
Sweat is dry and feet are in the sand
If there were only water amongst the rock
Dead mountain mouth of carious teeth that cannot spit
Here one can neither stand nor lie nor sit
There is not even silence in the mountains
But dry sterile thunder without rain
There is not even solitude in the mountains
But red sullen faces sneer and snarl
From doors of mudcracked houses

If there were water
And no rock
If there were rock
And also water
And water
A spring
A pool among the rock
If there were the sound of water only
Not the cicada
And dry grass singing
But sound of water over a rock
Where the hermit-thrush sings in the pine trees
Drip drop drip drop drop drop drop
But there is no water

Who is the third who walks always beside you?
When I count, there are only you and I together
But when I look ahead up the white road
There is always another one walking beside you
Gliding wrapt in a brown mantle, hooded
I do not know whether a man or a woman
—But who is that on the other side of you?"

Thursday, May 05, 2011

The Perfect Purple

When the sun finally stayed out the other day, I was standing at the window and basking in the sun on my face. I was noticing the energy that I felt. I could feel my cells expanding and pulsing and vibrating. At that moment I totally understood why we can't live without sunlight.  It felt fabulous!

I'm not the only one thriving from a little sunlight. Check out this completely perfect purple tulip growing in our front yard.

I have tried to create a purple that this beautiful and multi-faceted in many of my paintings, but nothing has come as close as this flower.

I love love love how the purple changes with the sun - like oil paint does.

And how the black-purple contrasts with the lighter pastel tulips. So sweet.

 I just can't compete with nature. But then, why would I want to?

Sunday, May 01, 2011

April Showers Bring May Flowers!

Today was an amazingly beautiful day here. It was sunny with no clouds or rain ALL day and it actually hit 70 degrees!

We played tennis. Jason recieved his first ass-whoopin of the season but he came out of the gate like a grizzly coming out of hybernation! I can't wait to play more!

We did lots of yard work. Jason mowed and now the flower's look huge!

But it always does look bigger when you trim back the bush, right? ;-)