Friday, January 15, 2010

Then...I spoke to God.

In December of 2009, I went to visit my brother and his family before they move across the globe to Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates in February. He and his wife and four boys will be relocating (for work) to Abu Dhabi for an undetermined amount of time, but right now it looks like 2 years, minimum. With four boys under the age of five, one of which was only 2 months old, and an amazingly steadfast wife/mother of his children, my brother leads a life that is much different than mine. Not better, not worse, just different.

During my visit, I had every emotion imaginable and unimaginable. I even had my own little religious moment.

On the last day of my visit, I woke up in the playroom (that's where the spare bed is) to the sound of a man, my brother on the phone speaking very seriously. It was about 5 a.m. and the rest of the house was soundly sleeping. He's making arrangements for a villa, furniture, school, vehicles in Abu Dhabi. That's when everything hit me and I understood everything all at once. I had a little journal with me, so I scribbled my feelings as fast as the tears flowed down my cheeks.

There was a point that I even spoke to God. I don't usually talk to God. I tried a few times when I was younger, but it seemed so contrived and goofy, looking up at the ceiling and trying to imagine that someone/thing out there could hear me, much less help me. Also, when I did try to talk to God, things never seemed to work out as we had "discussed." So I decided to talk to myself, or people that are listening -- hubby, mom, dad, special friends, the dog... and it seems to produce the same results, if not better and more accurate.

But on this particular day, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't STOP myself. I felt that it was the only way that I could express myself was to speak. I was so moved by my realization that I silently cried out unto the Lord in my journal.

Here's what I wrote in my journal during that moment...

As I lay here in the tiny bed from my childhood, in the home of my brother, I cry.

My heart swells because I was starting to think he was a stranger, but really he is just a man I never met before or maybe I met him but didn’t get to know him very well.

He used to be a cowlick, smiley faced little boy that would torment me relentlessly. I always knew he loved me but the ways that he showed it were pretty rigid.

Now he is a father of four beautiful boys that are, in every way, little pieces of him. When I look at them, I see every stage of my brother’s every different version of him that could exist in the world.

I was starting to wonder, “How can I love this guy so much when I feel like we are strangers?” But now I see that we are both different people than we were before, but yet still the same.

I’m his only sister and he is my only brother.

Bonds of blood that cannot be broken by distance or time. I am like a version of him that was never born to him, but with him. Soon he will be like a ghost and gone so far way. But in my heart he will always be the same person that I was reared with.

Him and his family are the only extensions of my childhood that exist. Mom and Dad are here but they will never leave me. In my heart we will always be ONE. This is the family that I came into this world with, and will leave this world with.

It makes me sad that he’ll be so far away soon.

My big brother and his queen, along with his mini-me’s will be going to the Promiseland. May Providence guide and protect them.

The exodus to Abu Dhabi is upon us. Babylon is just around the bend and Zion is on the right.

Then...I spoke to God.

Dear God, I love them so much and wish them the happiest change of life and the safest delivery to that Promiseland. I pledge now, to not judge or question, but to love and try to understand what Providence has in store for them. God, I beg you keep him and his flock safe and allow them all the happiness they deserve because he is an amazing person and has an amazing family. He works so hard and is so many things to so many people. Giving 110% to everyone else doesn’t leave much for you.

I understand now.

Reading back over the scribble, I don't quite understand it myself, but I just know that at the moment I wrote this, I understood everything.

Maybe I WAS God for that moment.

I was inspired to share this intimate and religious moment in my life, by a post that my brother-in-law did about his brother (my husband). It was so honest and loving, that it made me want to share my feelings about my own brother.

1 comment:

Terry said...

Reading this helped me to understand how I am feeling, too. You put into words some of my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for sharing your words.