Whenever I ask Jason this, he looks at me with a pinched wince and says "Ah, no what?" Then I usually follow it up with something like "We should..." and then that usually leads to "...go to the craft store and buy some..." or "...go out in the yard and..." or "...drive to the eastside of town and..."
Most of the time these things are just random thoughts that come out of nowhere and are usually pretty radical. Jason just humors me and then we have a crazy project or excursion to tackle.
Well, today on the way to work, I was thinking about a few things. Fortunately, these thoughts don't come with an insane call to action or elaborate plan -- just some ponderings I thought I would share.
First, I've been re-reading "Minor Characters" by Joyce Johnson (Glassman) who was dating Jack Kerouac when "On the Road" was finally published (after 6 years of rejection) in 1957. She was living a beatnik lifestyle in the Village but had a corporate literary job in Manhattan. She talks about living a double life and how she managed to do it.
Invisibility had become my unsatisfying resolution of the outside/inside problem. Moving back and forth between antithetical worlds separated by subway rides, I never fully was what I seemed or tried to be. I had the feeling I was playing hooky all the time, not from school, but from the person represented by my bland outward appearance...
I completely relate to this feeling. I do it everyday that I go to work. Even down to the subway ride between worlds (well, it's a light rail in Portland, but it was a subway in LA). She goes further to say:
I saw it only as a necessary mask. Office life and real life had to be kept separate. On weekday mornings, you locked the door on your unacceptable self; you let it out again after five. This was the arrangement by which I knew I had to live. But only for the time being. Holding my breath, I was waiting for much more.
Do any of you feel this way? Whether your "unacceptable self" is your personality, religious beliefs, or hopes and dreams, do you feel like you live a double life?
Then, this got me to thinking about how much time I spend on public transportation and how fascinating it is. I have not driven to work in 3 years! I have taken public transportation (the Metro in LA and the MAX in Portland) everyday that I go to the office, rain or shine. I have witnessed some serious craziness over the years...
Do any of you know what it feels like for a train to stop on a dime from a cruising speed of 45 or 50? I do. It happened just the other day. A car turned in front of the train and we slammed on the brakes. I was sitting down and two carriages full of people came hurling and tumbling toward me. One lady totally flattened another lady, face-down on the ground, after she was launched onto the lady's back. That was kinda funny, but my LIVES did flash before my eyes for a second.
It was weird because there are two lives that I live. Two lives to flash. Two lives to lose.
Do you ever feel this way or am I the only one thinking these things?